I was four when I first laid eyes on Baby Born,
It was Christmas and I was adorned in a pink gown and top knot,
Finally free of my cot, I waddled around opening presents,
I wrestled with the paper and ripped open to find,
A little baby to be mine, mine, mine.
Her head was plastic and ribbed,
With limbs like sausages
Hanging loosely from her frame,
So that with a quick twist of the arm,
She looked totally deranged,
‘WOW Thank you’
I said stroking her head and fingering her eyes,
‘You know she actually cries
And poos and pees.
Like a real new born baby.’
‘Here’s her spoon, her bowl and potty,
And her food and a bottle’
Good news as I wasn’t up to breastfeeding,
Minor issues – low on calcium, only four and without a clue,
Were only a few reasons why a bottle would have to do.
‘What are you going to call her? What’s her name?’
‘Baby Gorgeous’ I said
‘Yes – the perfect name for a synthetic child.
The next weeks were full on – she shat and pissed
Cried and cried and would never close her plastic eyes,
I watched my own life demise,
I could no longer play with my imaginary friend Paige,
Because Baby Gorgeous needed a nappy change.
Years passed and nothing changed,
I grew up,
Baby gorgeous strangely didn’t grow at all,
I still went running every time she’d gurgle or call,
The only thing that had grown was her birth certificate,
It was now four pages long, listing all her many names,
New words I’d learnt as time went on,
I was knackered,
I was grey in the face,
And wrinkled before my time,
Damn Baby Gorgeous had ruined my prime.
And each time, I addressed her
With ‘Oh another piss?’
I had to list all 200 hundred names.
I was 6 years old and going completely insane.
And what made it worse was a visit from cousin Alf,
I opened the bedroom door and found him,
Wizard’s hat on his head and clutching Dino, red power ranger
‘DANGER, DANGER, DANGER’
he shouted and controlled Dino’s legs to kick and his arms to fight,
‘Shh’ I said ‘Baby Gorgeous has just gone down, she didn’t sleep all night’
‘You can’t tell Dino what to do’
He said, charging on through
He poked Baby Gorgeous in the eye
With Ranger’s right arm,
‘Shh, Shh, Shh’
I said in attempt to calm
My now wide awake child.
Meanwhile Dino was climbing up my curtains,
And doing karate kicks into the sky,
Baby Gorgeous continued to cry.
‘What does that baby even do?’
Alf asked as Dino fell through the air,
‘Everything a human baby does –
It pisses, poos, cries and eats’
‘Isn’t that boring D?’
Alf asked, turning Dino’s head,
To look at him, nod and agree,
‘Well what can Dino do?’
I said, getting defensive.
‘He can do Anything. Anything’
And on queue Dino jumped into his car,
And zoomed off across the room,
With Alf following behind,
He turned to shout:
‘We can do ANYTHING and you just look after a dumb baby’