Oh Tian Tian…

Here is a little poem about Edinburgh Zoo’s Tian Tian. I only went and recited it on the BBC World Service Weekend programme! Turns out I’m pretty big on panda banter. For those of you who don’t know Tian Tian’s story…

Oh Tian Tian?

Really rien, rien?

We were watching your pregnancy

Our eyes hawking the bright green screens of Ladbrokes

Betting slips in hand

Will she? Won’t she?


Controlling nature like grand theft auto

Please do something to earn your keep,

We’re 80 feet

wonga debt deep

Oh Tian Tian

Really rien,rien?

You can’t use the cold as an excuse

We’re all freezing and we reproduce

At 600, 000 quid a year

We really need a cub my dear

Right, plan B

Yang is going to take you to Arthur’s seat,

It’ll be romantic, don’t just munch and sleep

Oh Tian Tian

Please, please do what you can.

We need more than just

Rien, rien, rien.